Yesterday, my 92-year-old father-in-law Paul called me unexpectedly from his assisted living facility and demanded to know about the status of his finances.
“I need you to give me the number of who to call to discuss my money,” Paul said. I could hear desperation and his voice. “This helper that’s living with me is costing too much.”
”There is no number to call Dad.” I tried to remove the frustration from my voice. “I manage your finances now. There’s nothing for you to do in that regard.”
We have had this same conversation many times over the past year. Losing control when you’re older it’s not easy. I see him grasping to an earlier age when he could manage his own finances — when he kept those matters private from the rest of the family.
Paul’s health started declining three years ago when he fell and broke his hip. He went from living independently to needing more and more help. Now he can’t add two complex numbers together. He needs help dialing the telephone, and can’t use a calculator. He is unable to manage his own life.
Paul has to let go because there is no choice. He has to have a 24-7 helper per doctor’s orders. There’s nothing that can be done right now. He’s too ill to change his situation and this is the status quo.
I tried to help him with assurances that I’m supporting him based on his wishes. And I acknowledge his frustration. But I wish we didn’t have to have these uncomfortable conversations.
In his assisted living facility, all of his needs are being met and activities are there for him to enjoy. It’s a great facility. But Paul still hangs onto the life he had in the past and is unaware of his incapabilities. He still worries about money and the future. Especially as his care needs intensify.
I did not want to feel those feelings on the phone yesterday. I wanted to hang up but I didn’t; I stayed with the uncomfortableness. I tried to work through it with him, change and fix it. I helped a little but not much. He’s got to come to a place of acceptance. So do I. Tough one.